The best lawyer jokes

Q: What can a goose do that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do? A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Vote: has 56.77 % from 17 votes. Send joke:

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Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says; I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it." "Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?" "Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator. "Hm. Well, where do you catch 'em?" "Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp." "Same here. Hm. How do you catch 'em?" "Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite 'em, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!" "Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but lips and a briefcase..."
Vote: has 55.11 % from 30 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, kids, lawyer
A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?" "Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"? "Guilty", said the man in the dock. Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!! At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?" He replied "He is my next door neighbor". The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments". The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one"!!!
Vote: has 54.59 % from 16 votes. Send joke:

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Q: Why have scientists started using lawyers for experiments instead of rats? A: They don't become so attached to the lawyers.
Vote: has 54.31 % from 32 votes. Send joke:

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Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team’s response times. “Since we installed our new satellite navigation system,” bragged one, “we’ve cut our emergency response time by ten percent.” “Not bad,” the second paramedic commented. “But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we we cut our average time by 20 percent.” “That’s nothing said the third paramedic. “Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we’ve cut our emergency response time in half!”
Vote: has 54.26 % from 13 votes. Send joke:

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The US government is throwing away millions of unused stamps with pictures of favorite lawyers on them. The people that use them don’t know which side to spit on!
Vote: has 54.26 % from 13 votes. Send joke:

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If a lawyer and a tax official were both drowning and you could only save one of them, what would you do; go to lunch or read the paper?
Vote: has 54.26 % from 13 votes. Send joke:

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Q: What’s the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress? A: No fee–If No Recovery!
Vote: has 54.26 % from 13 votes. Send joke:

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Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex? To prevent clients from being billed twice for the same service.
Vote: has 54.16 % from 10 votes. Send joke:

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A man calls a lawyer’s office. A voice answers, ‘Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz.’ The man says, ‘Let me talk to Mr Schwartz.’ ‘I’m sorry, he’s on vacation.’ ‘Then let me talk to Mr Schwartz.’ ‘He’s on a big case, not available for a week.’ ‘Then let me talk to Mr Schwartz.’ ‘He’s playing golf today.’ ‘Okay, then, let me talk to Mr Schwartz.’ ‘Speaking.’
Vote: has 54.16 % from 10 votes. Send joke:

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