The US government is throwing away millions of unused stamps with
pictures of favorite lawyers on them.
The people that use them don’t know which side to spit on!
Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for the same service.
As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.
He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.
He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die.
At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."
All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows.
Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this.
The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one.
I only put $20,000 in the coffin."
The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either.
Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient.
I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."
The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor.
He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?"
The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.
The man then said, "Call for my lawyer."
When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other.
The man then laid back and closed his eyes.
When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind.
The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side.
I just thought I'd check out the same way."
Lawsuit commercials for personal injury are quite common with things like accidents and medication; however they never mention Chuck Norris.
Vote:
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathisers.
30 degrees...
It was so cold out today that even the lawyers had their hands in their own pockets.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
"Professional courtesy."
If a lawyer and a tax official were both drowning and you could only save one of them, what would you do; go to lunch or read the paper?
Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.