Yes, money cannot buy happiness, but it is much more comfortable to cry in a new BMW than on a bike.
Why It Sucks to Be an Egg...
You only get laid once, you only get hard once, and when you DO finally get hard, it takes under three minutes and you're already in hot water.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they're 70% water.
Are you scared of water?
Well you should be.
400,000 people drown per year.
Going to war without the French is like going hunting without your accordion.
The doctor gave me one year to live.
So in the heat of the moment, I shot him.
And the judge gave me 15 years.
Problem solved.
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing.
As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
A man walks into work with two black eyes.
His boss asks what happened.
The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks.
"Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in."
Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
Vote:
We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.
Always borrow money from a pessimist.
He won't expect it back.