The best jokes about life

The doctor gave me one year to live. So in the heat of the moment, I shot him. And the judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
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has 77.68 % from 65 votes. More jokes about: doctor, life, prison, time
Never make the same mistake twice. There are so many new ones, try a different one each day.
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has 77.51 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: life
Songs are not going to make us do anything we would not ordinarily do. Because if that was the case, the song "Achy Breaky Heart" would have made me kill somebody about a year ago.
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has 77.51 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: death, life, music
A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go to a restaurant in London. The waiter tells them, "Excuse me if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage due to the mad cow disease." The Texan says, "What's a shortage?" The Russian says, "What's a steak?" The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"
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has 77.50 % from 30 votes. More jokes about: food, life
Mother to daughter advice: Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
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has 77.47 % from 36 votes. More jokes about: life
Can I help you? No. I just waited in the line for 30 minutes to say Hi.
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has 77.40 % from 122 votes. More jokes about: life
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know this, Sister?" "My Mother Superior told me so." "But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself" "Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life" "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know." The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?" "Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"
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has 77.32 % from 80 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, life, religious
Police: Where do u live? Me: With my parents. Police: Where does ur parents live? Me: With me. Police: Where do u all live? Me: Together. Police: Where is ur house? Me: Next to my neighbors house. Police: Where is your neighbors house? Me: If i tell you u wont believe me. Police: Tell me Me: Next to my house...
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has 77.26 % from 284 votes. More jokes about: cop, family, life
By tradition, fathers wear a red flower on Father's Day, if their father is alive and a white flower if he's dead. And if they have a nagging wife and a house full of screaming kids, they wear a pink flower - which means they are living but wish they were dead.
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has 77.20 % from 47 votes. More jokes about: dad, death, Fathers day, life
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. She has waited so long… The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Washington says, "Never tell a lie." "Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don’t know about that." The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears… Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Jefferson says, "Listen to the people." "Oh! I really don’t want to do that." On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears… Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
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has 77.19 % from 90 votes. More jokes about: life
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