How many mexicans does it take to build... Oh shit, They're done!
I went to blockbusters last night and asked if I could borrow Batman Forever. The bloke at the counter said, "NO you have to bring it back tomorrow!"
Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said, "Now, I’d like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine." Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight members said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently." "Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure you having nothing else to add?" "Well, yes," said the member. "I lie extensively."
This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend. The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language." The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue. Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church. The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?" The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees." The priest said, "And that's when you swore." The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree." The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?" The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away." The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?" The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole." The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the f...ing putt!"
I have asked my mamma: "Mamma, why do we have 10 cock birds but only 1 hen?" Mama has said to me: "Because I want that she has a better life than I had."
Why Coffee Is Better Than Women: - A cup of coffee looks good in the morning. - You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee. - You won't get arrested for picking up coffee on the street at 3 a.m. - You can make coffee as sweet as you want. - You can get cup after cup of different coffees all day long. - No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee. - Coffee doesn't talk to you. - Most coffee is hot, unless you request it otherwise. - Coffee stains are easier to remove. - Coffee is ready in 10 minutes or less. - When coffee gets cold, you can throw it away. - When you drink coffee, you don't end up with a pube in the back of your throat. - Coffee doesn't take up half your bed and all the hot water.
A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back. "Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible." "When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest. "I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away." Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again. "Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest. "No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest. "No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole." "You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.
Cool Morals: 1. Money is not everything. There's also MasterCard & Visa. 2. One should love animals. They are tasty too. 3. Save water. Drink beer. 4. Studying is healthy. So leave it for the sick. 5. Books are holy. So don't touch them. 6. Love your neighbor. But don't get caught. 7. Every one should marry because happiness is not the only thing in life...
The last person to enter parliament with honest intentions was Guy Fawkes on 5th November 1605.
A guy dies and is sent to hell. Extremely frightened because of that, he is very surprised when he arrives; beach, palm trees, sun is shining, happy people around in shorts and bikinis. Behind the next corner there are people eating great food and there's some cool music playing. After some time of wondering, a man in an expensive suit approaches him and says: "Hi, you must be the new one. Welcome to hell, I'm the devil. As you're gonna spend eternity here, make yourself comfortable and have a drink. If anything bothers you, always feel free to ask me." The guy still doesn't really understand what's going on, this is not what he expected. But finally he decides to inspect the area. Everywhere he goes, there are people laughing and having a great time, there's games, party and fun all around. Then he arrives at a steep cliff that divides the paradise hell from an area underneath, and there is hell as we know it: demons torturing the doomed, there's fire and the smell of brimstone. Shocked, he runs to the devil and says "Devil, how can that be? Here, we have the sweet eternity and down there people are tortured and burned! How can that be?!" The devil laughs and says "Oh, that. That's the Catholics - they want it that way."