What do women and pools have in common?
They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the little amount of time you're inside them.
You're living, you occupy space, and you have mass.
You know what that means?
You Matter.
You know, I have Google+, Facebook, Twitter, Skype accounts...
Man, and do you have life?
OMG, No! Could you send me a link?
Vote:
What do you call a Labrador that becomes a magician?
A Labracadabrador!
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours.
Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
My grandfather once told me "your generation is too reliant on technology."
So I replied "no, your generation is too reliant on technology!"
Then I disconnected his life support.
Vote:
Why is there a fence around the cemetery?
Because people are dying to get in.
This could be considered the ideal world for many men:
His son on the cover of a box of Wheaties.
His mistress in the centerfold of Playboy.
A picture of his wife on the milk carton.
A man sits on a bus looking ashamed.
The man next to him notices and asks what is wrong.
He says that when he went to buy the bus ticket, the woman serving him had the most unbelievable breasts, so he got flustered and asked for two tickets to Tittsburgh instead of Pittsburgh.
The man next to him laughs, "Don't worry about that. We all make Freudian slips. This morning I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say, 'Pass the salt,' but I accidently said, 'You f**king bitch, you ruined my life.'"
The church is struck by lightning.
The insurance company refuses to pay out for damages incurred, as there is a specific disclaimer clause for "An act of God", which, amongst others, lightning is classified as.
The priest goes to every household and asks for a donation to rebuild the church.
One Christian farmer protested, "I'm sorry, Pastor, but I can't give money to Somebody who set His own house alight!"