The best jokes about life

The doctor gave me one year to live. So in the heat of the moment, I shot him. And the judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
Vote: has 74.78 % from 37 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: doctor, life, prison, time
Justin Bieber puked on stage. That settles it, she's pregnant.
Vote: has 74.73 % from 52 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: celebrity, life, music
Q: What is the worst thing an emergency doctor can tell you after admitting your MIL? A: Sir, we were able to save her!
Vote: has 74.43 % from 26 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor, doctor, life, mother in law
Always be yourself. Unless you can be quiet, then be that.
Vote: has 74.43 % from 26 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: life
A wife says, "Hey! Look at that funny guy who's been drinking a lot." The husband responds, "Who is he?" The wife answers, "Well, five years ago, he was my boyfriend and I denied him for marriage." "Oh my God! He's still celebrating his freedom!" says the husband.
Vote: has 74.21 % from 31 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, life, marriage, mean, men
First Michael Jackson and now Neil Armstrong... God is clearly no fan of moonwalkers.
Vote: has 74.20 % from 46 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: celebrity, god, life
A manufacturing plant was in full swing one day. The company's massive machine was humming along, taking in the raw materials at one end and churning out the finished product at the other. All of a sudden, the machine stopped and ground to a halt. Workers climbed all over it like ants to get it started again. The plant's manager stormed out of his office to find out why his multi-million- dollar machine wasn't making him any money. He listened to his people saying they couldn't figure it out, and he told them to call a technician.  Soon a tech arrived, and the manager frantically explained to him that he needed his machine back as soon as possible. The technician listened patiently, took one look at the massive hulk of motionless metal, and immediately walked over to a small panel, opening a tiny door inside to see a screw. The technician took a screwdriver and turned the screw one-quarter turn to the right, and the machine suddenly came back to life as if nothing was wrong. The manager hurried over to thank the technician, shook his hand, and asked what he owed him for saving his company.  The technician answered, "$100,000.00". The manager looked at him and said, "You were here less than two minutes and just turned one screw. How can you charge so much? Give me an itemised bill."  The technician calmly wrote out on a piece of paper:  -Turning of one screw: $1.00.  -Knowing which screw to turn: $99,999.00.
Vote: has 74.20 % from 46 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: life, money, work
Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack. "How did that happen?" asks the first guy. "Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot." "Geez," says the first guy. "If you'd opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."
Vote: has 74.17 % from 65 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: death, health, heaven, life, wife
Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.
Vote: has 74.14 % from 36 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: geek, life, math, science
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
Vote: has 74.14 % from 36 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: Chuck Norris, life, science


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