The best marriage jokes

Husband to wife: ‘Put your coat on, I’m going to the pub.’ Wife: ‘Oh that’s nice, are you taking me for a drink?’ Husband: ‘No, I’m turning the heating off.’
Vote: has 37.61 % from 22 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: marriage
What did the cannibal say when he came home and found his wife chopping up a python and a pygmy? Oh no, not snake and pygmy pie again!
Vote: has 37.61 % from 22 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: animal, food, marriage, wife
A drunk phones the police to report that thieves have been in his car. ‘They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,’ he cries out… ‘Oh hang on. I’m in the back seat.’
Vote: has 37.27 % from 20 votes. Send joke:
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He never got married. He said he didn’t want to make the same mistake once.
Vote: has 36.90 % from 18 votes. Send joke:
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Always talk to your wife when you’re making love – assuming there’s a phone handy.
Vote: has 36.51 % from 16 votes. Send joke:
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When they get you, they have their own little signature, like Gucci or something like that. When you walk down the street, girls will walk by, and they'll say, "Oh, that's Gladys' work, ain't it?"
Vote: has 36.51 % from 16 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: marriage, work
Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a "marriage of the 90's" -- equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted scrambled!" Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn't having any of it. "Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!"
Vote: has 36.23 % from 25 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: love, marriage
Boy: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait. Girl: Do you want me to leave? Boy: NO! Don’t even think about it. Girl: Do you love me? Boy: Of course! Over and over! Girl: Have you ever cheated on me? Boy: NO! Why are you even asking? Girl: Will you kiss me? Boy: Every chance I get! Girl: Will you hit me? Boy: Are you crazy! I’m not that kind of person! Girl: Can I trust you? Boy: Yes. Girl: Darling!
Vote: has 35.96 % from 78 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: love, marriage, relationship
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.
Vote: has 35.78 % from 23 votes. Send joke:
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Husband to wife: ‘You have a flat chest and hairy legs. Tell me, have you ever been mistaken for a man?’ ‘No,’ replies his wife. ‘Have you?’
Vote: has 35.78 % from 23 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: marriage


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