What did the cannibal say when he came home and found his wife chopping up a python and a pygmy? Oh no, not snake and pygmy pie again!
A drunk phones the police to report that thieves have been in his car. ‘They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,’ he cries out… ‘Oh hang on. I’m in the back seat.’
He never got married. He said he didn’t want to make the same mistake once.
Always talk to your wife when you’re making love – assuming there’s a phone handy.
When they get you, they have their own little signature, like Gucci or something like that. When you walk down the street, girls will walk by, and they'll say, "Oh, that's Gladys' work, ain't it?"
Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a "marriage of the 90's" -- equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted scrambled!" Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn't having any of it. "Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!"
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Husband to wife: ‘You have a flat chest and hairy legs. Tell me, have you ever been mistaken for a man?’ ‘No,’ replies his wife. ‘Have you?’
Why is marriage a three-ring circus? First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.
My husband added some spice to our marriage. He's left home.