The best marriage jokes

She has her husband eating out of the palm of her hand – it saves on the washing-up.
Vote: has 30.11 % from 19 votes. Send joke:

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What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? About 40 lb.
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When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
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I wouldn’t say she’s been married a lot but the church is trying to get her to pay for a new aisle carpet.
Vote: has 29.93 % from 14 votes. Send joke:

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A drunk phones the police to report that thieves have been in his car. ‘They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,’ he cries out… ‘Oh hang on. I’m in the back seat.’
Vote: has 29.01 % from 17 votes. Send joke:

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Man to friend: ‘When did you first realise your wife had stopped loving you?’ Friend: ‘When she pushed me through the window, and wrote for an ambulance.’
Vote: has 29.01 % from 17 votes. Send joke:

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I got home and found a man in bed with my wife. I said, ‘Who said you could sleep with my wife?’ He said, ‘Everybody.’
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Boy: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait. Girl: Do you want me to leave? Boy: NO! Don’t even think about it. Girl: Do you love me? Boy: Of course! Over and over! Girl: Have you ever cheated on me? Boy: NO! Why are you even asking? Girl: Will you kiss me? Boy: Every chance I get! Girl: Will you hit me? Boy: Are you crazy! I’m not that kind of person! Girl: Can I trust you? Boy: Yes. Girl: Darling!
Vote: has 28.25 % from 61 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: love, marriage, relationship
Not too long ago, there was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone.  She decided to write him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.  When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a number.  His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting to someone.  "Hey babe, I'm just changing clothes then will join you," he said. "As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and me had met earlier. See you soon, honey!"  Then he hung up and walked out of the room. In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter.  Through teary eyes, she read: "I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to buy bread."
Vote: has 27.86 % from 1634 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: husband, marriage, music, women
Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.
Vote: has 27.71 % from 15 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, men