The best marriage jokes

Husband to wife: ‘Put your coat on, I’m going to the pub.’ Wife: ‘Oh that’s nice, are you taking me for a drink?’ Husband: ‘No, I’m turning the heating off.’
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has 37.61 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: marriage
What did the cannibal say when he came home and found his wife chopping up a python and a pygmy? Oh no, not snake and pygmy pie again!
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has 37.61 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: animal, food, marriage, wife
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”
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has 37.27 % from 20 votes. More jokes about: marriage, wedding
A drunk phones the police to report that thieves have been in his car. ‘They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,’ he cries out… ‘Oh hang on. I’m in the back seat.’
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has 37.27 % from 20 votes. More jokes about: marriage
An old man tells his psychiatrist that he is already very old and he has committed during his life many sins. The psychiatrist wanted to help him, so he has asked him: "And how long are you with your wife?" The man answered: "45 years." The psychiatrist said: "Don´t have the fear, because after your death you will be surely added to the sufferers, sleep well."
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has 37.27 % from 20 votes. More jokes about: doctor, life, marriage, old people, time
My Dearest Susan, Sweetie of my heart. I’ve been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won’t you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won’t you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so. Yours always and truly, John P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.
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has 36.90 % from 18 votes. More jokes about: marriage, men, women
He never got married. He said he didn’t want to make the same mistake once.
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has 36.90 % from 18 votes. More jokes about: marriage
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then they marry him.
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has 36.51 % from 16 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Always talk to your wife when you’re making love – assuming there’s a phone handy.
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has 36.51 % from 16 votes. More jokes about: marriage
When they get you, they have their own little signature, like Gucci or something like that. When you walk down the street, girls will walk by, and they'll say, "Oh, that's Gladys' work, ain't it?"
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has 36.51 % from 16 votes. More jokes about: marriage, work
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