Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage? Because they are tired of using their own.
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized."
"It's a boy," I shouted, as tears began to roll down my cheeks. "I can't believe it, it really is a boy." That's when I swore never to return to Thailand.
Husband admiring his body in the mirror says to wife "look at that, 14 stones of pure dynamite !" Wife replies "yeah, shame about the 2 inch fuse..."
Why do so many women fake orgasm? Because so many men fake foreplay.
A man ask his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?" Wife says, "I would take half and leave you". Man says, "Great! I have won a tenner, here a fiver now f*ck off!
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?” “What dear?” She asked gently. “I think you bring me bad luck.”
Q: Why did they make glow in the dark condoms? A: So gay guys can play star wars.
They say the surest way to a man's heart is through the stomach. But personally, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.
How do you know a man is really a bad dancer? When he can still step on Dolly Parton's toes.