Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv. "So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks. "Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day." "Oh, my God," says Sid "So that's what heaven is like?" "Oh no," says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park."
Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly. "That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear. The others raise their eyebrows. "I'm getting a fax," he explains.
What's the Australian Male's idea of foreplay? "Brace yourself, Sheila."
One day Dan asks Bob, "So Bob what did you get for Christmas?" Then Bob says to Dan, "Oh see that brand new red Ferrari outside?" Dan says, "OOOOH WOW! Bob says, "Ya, I got the same exact color tie!"
After an accident... 1st Driver : I flashed the headlights and told you to let me go first. 2nd Driver : I also started the wipers and said NO NO...
A hubby is having a short conversation with his wife. See dear, if you got home early from work one day and you found me pounding on another woman, this would be called an awkward situation! So its the same honey, if you came home early from work and found me in bed with another man? No darling, you are now confused and mixing the awkward situation with proper beating!
When you have a man staring at a naked Playboy model, be sure that he doesn’t wonder if she knows cooking, or if she plays piano or if she has a nice personality either!
A man goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce dangling from his rectum. "That looks nasty," says the doctor. "Nasty?" the man says. "That's just the tip of the iceberg."
John was in trouble, really big trouble. You see, he forgot his wedding anniversary and, if you're married, you can imagine what he's probably going through. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" She was serious too, so John got serious. The next morning he woke up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped, right there in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife threw her robe on and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house and opened in with much anticipation. Inside she found a brand new bathroom scale. John has been missing since Thursday.
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand? A man's undivided attention.