There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation:
"I have good news and bad news.
The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.
The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
No matter how hard we try, we never seem to save any money.
Our neighbours are always buying something we can’t afford.
Q: If marriage is terrific what is divorce?
A: Ten thousand!
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
“How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her.
“Well, I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied.
“What?” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?”
“No silly!” the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I’m not shooting myself in the chest.”
“So then?” asked the doctor.
“Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.”
“So then?”
“Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger.”
One day Adam and his parents were at the mall.
Adams mum gave him a $5 note and sent him on his way.
He got a bag of chips and a drink.
He went outside and his mum and dad weren't there.
An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars.
Alec handed in a blank sheet of paper.
'Alec !' yelled the teacher, 'you've done nothing.
Why?'
'Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do !'
How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four.
One to hold the bulb, and three to try and remember the combination.
I’m proud to say I made my money the old-fashioned way.
My dad left it to me in his will.
Yo mama so poor when I ring her buzzer she says, "bzzzzzzzzz."
Heres what you do:
1. Dinner
2. Kiss
3. Movie
4. Sex
5. Bring her back home
6. Get paid 15 bucks for babysitting