What’s six inches long, two inches wide and drives women wild? A fifty-dollar bill.
‘If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.’ Mark Twain
Uncle gives little Johnny a £5 note for his birthday. ‘Spend it carefully,’ says Uncle. ‘Remember – a fool and his money are soon parted.’ Little Johnny replies, ‘Well you certainly handed it over fast enough.’
A young man wants to be left something in his aunt’s will, so every day he goes round and takes her poodles for a walk. When she finally dies, she does indeed remember the kindness of her nephew – and leaves him the poodles.
What’s the best way to get in touch with your long-lost relatives? Win the Lottery.
I saw a tramp who was so broke he was standing on the corner shouting, ‘Will work for cardboard and a magic marker!’
Our house was so small if we got a large pizza we had to go outside to eat it.
He was so mean he used to give his children £1 each instead of an evening meal, then charged them £2 for breakfast.
They say about money that you can’t take it with you. I can’t even afford to go.
Two elderly gin-soaked colonels are sitting at the bar of their club. ‘Lend me a tenner for a month, old boy,’ says one. ‘What does a month-old boy want a tenner for?’ asks the other.