Harry to Tom: ‘My uncle died last week. Left me sod all.’ Tom: ‘Wow. Sod Hall.
How many rooms has it got?’
I love her so much I worship the ground her father found oil on.
Think nobody knows you’re alive?
Try missing a payment.
Why is someone who borrows money but does not pay it all back like a football player?
Because sometimes he gives you a quarter back and sometimes a half back.
Why is money called dough?
Because we all knead it!
What’s the best way to stop water coming into your house?
Don’t pay the water bill.
An old miser comes into the bank with a huge bag of coins.
‘Gracious,’ says the bank teller.
‘Did you hoard all that yourself?’
‘No,’ replies the miser.
‘My sister whored most of it.’
He was so mean he had the house sound-proofed so the children wouldn’t be able to hear the ice cream van.
Bad Zoo
1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you.
2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp.
3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat.
4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk.
5. The Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King.
6. The alligator in the Reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida's Mascot.
7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you.
8. Ask the Tour Guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the Tigers den.
9. The Elephant appear to be two guys in a two part Elephant suit.
10. Two words: Hippo Dogs!
Well goodnight everyone.
I have to get up early tomorrow to do nothing and still make more money than all of you!
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