Harry to Tom: ‘My uncle died last week. Left me sod all.’ Tom: ‘Wow. Sod Hall. How many rooms has it got?’
I love her so much I worship the ground her father found oil on.
He’s in debt up to his eyes. The only thing he’s paid for is his hat.
Think nobody knows you’re alive? Try missing a payment.
What’s the best way to stop water coming into your house? Don’t pay the water bill.
An old miser comes into the bank with a huge bag of coins. ‘Gracious,’ says the bank teller. ‘Did you hoard all that yourself?’ ‘No,’ replies the miser. ‘My sister whored most of it.’
He was so mean he had the house sound-proofed so the children wouldn’t be able to hear the ice cream van.
Well goodnight everyone. I have to get up early tomorrow to do nothing and still make more money than all of you!
Johnny collected lots of money from trick or treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate. "You should give that money to charity", said the shopkeeper. "No, I'll buy the chocolate. YOU give the money to charity!"
Dad, would you like to save some money? I certainly would, son. Any suggestions? Sure. Why not buy me a bike, then I won't wear my shoes out so fast.