Why shouldn't you carry two half dollars in your pocket?
Because two halves make a whole (hole), and you could lose your money.
The wages of sin are death – but after taxes and NI contributions you’ll just end up feeling a bit tired.
Born free.
Taxed to death.
A man goes into a shop to get his wife a present.
He points out a bottle of perfume and asks
Fred: Thank you so much for lending me that money.
I shall be everlastingly in your debt.
Harry: That's what I'm afraid of!
At the Cedar Rapids Chamber of Commerce meeting the treasurer reported a deficit of two hundred dollars. One of the chamber members stood up and said, "I vote that we donate half of it to the Red Cross and then give the other fifty dollars to the Salvation Army."
If George Washington were alive today, why couldn't he throw a silver dollar across the Potomac?
Because a dollar doesn't go as far as it used to.
Have you heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy?
No!
Tell me about it.
It smells of $50 dollar bills.
‘I used to live in a sub-basement.
The janitor that had the apartment during the Depression had some stocks.
When the market crashed, he was wiped out.
He tried to kill himself by jumping out of the window and up on to street level.’ Woody Allen
Harry’s so cheap, he didn’t buy his wife a pearl necklace, he got her a length of string and told her to start a collection.
Uncle Harry is very rich.
His dog was lonely so he bought it a boy to play with.
‘He’s spending a year dead for tax purposes.’
Douglas Adams