Fred: Thank you so much for lending me that money.
I shall be everlastingly in your debt.
Harry: That's what I'm afraid of!
Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him.
Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.
Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road.
The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box.
It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver,
"but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."
I hate paying my income tax.
You should be a good citizen - why don't you pay with a smile?
I'd like to but they insist on money!
A guy was talking with his friend:
I’ve managed to separate from my wife in common agreement: she gets the house and I get the car and desk.
Ok, but how about your finances?
The lawyer takes care of those...
I was taken short in the back of a taxi.
Because of all the mess I gave the driver a ten-pound note.
Mind you it had only been a fiver before I wiped myself with it.
Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow they take away your credit card.
The wages of sin are death – but after taxes and NI contributions you’ll just end up feeling a bit tired.
Harry’s so cheap, he didn’t buy his wife a pearl necklace, he got her a length of string and told her to start a collection.
Yo mama is so stupid that when he got a new bicycle he gave it to the charity funds.
Visitor: You're very quiet, Jennifer.
Jennifer: Well, my mum gave me a dollar not to say anything about your red nose.