Smile and the world audits your taxes.
If a fifty cent piece and a quarter were on the Empire State Building, which would jump off first?
The quarter, because it has less sense (cents).
Yo mama is so stupid that when he got a new bicycle he gave it to the charity funds.
The wages of sin are death – but after taxes and NI contributions you’ll just end up feeling a bit tired.
Born free.
Taxed to death.
A man goes into a shop to get his wife a present.
He points out a bottle of perfume and asks
If George Washington were alive today, why couldn't he throw a silver dollar across the Potomac?
Because a dollar doesn't go as far as it used to.
Have you heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy?
No!
Tell me about it.
It smells of $50 dollar bills.
‘I used to live in a sub-basement.
The janitor that had the apartment during the Depression had some stocks.
When the market crashed, he was wiped out.
He tried to kill himself by jumping out of the window and up on to street level.’ Woody Allen
Harry’s so cheap, he didn’t buy his wife a pearl necklace, he got her a length of string and told her to start a collection.
Why shouldn't you carry two half dollars in your pocket?
Because two halves make a whole (hole), and you could lose your money.