[first day as a pilot] Control tower: What are your coordinates? Me: I'm by a cloud that looks like a lion. Control tower: Can you be more specific? Me: Simba
A drunk guy is sitting at a bar by himself one night and throws up all over the front of his shirt. "Oh great, my wife is going to kill me," he mumbles to himself. The guy sitting next to him sees what has happened and leans over towards him, "Hey buddy, just put a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket and when you get home tell your wife the guy sitting next to you threw up on you and he gave you $20 to get your shirt cleaned." Completely inebriated the drunk man thanks his new friend and puts a twenty in his shirt pocket and heads for home. As soon as he walks through the front door his wife becomes irate and starts yelling at him, "Where have you been? you're completely drunk and you're a mess. Look at yourself, you puked all over the front of your shirt." Completely wasted and slurring his words he explains to the wife, "No no, the guy sitting next to me threw up on my shirt and he gave me $20 to get it cleaned. Look, it's right here in my shirt pocket." The wife reaches into his pocket and pulls out the money, "There's $40 in here." "Oh yeah, he shit in my pants too."
Officer: "I'm arresting you for downloading all of Wikipedia." Man: "No wait! I can explain everything!"
Q: What do you call a Chinese person with a video camera? A: Phil Ming
Just found out that my Asian friend died last week... So Yung.
The following conversation took place between a husband and wife: Wife: How many women have u slept with? Husband: Only you darling, I was awake with the other women.
I'm not saying yo mama is a whore but her favorite shade of lipstick is penis.
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
Yo momma is so fat, everytime she farts people think there's an earthquake!
Teacher: "How much is half of 8?" Little Johnny: "Up and down or across?" Teacher: "What do you mean?" Little Johnny: "Well, up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0!"
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