My nephew told me when he grows up, he wants to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer. I need to tell my bro to do a better job at hiding his porn.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I'm serious that Israeli how he does it.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other? You've got a lot of balls walking in here dressed like that.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long? A πthon.
What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells!
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account! Me: Yeah that was me Gmail: No it was on another device! Me: Yes my tablet Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?! Me: What? No! Gmail: Call the police
My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. "You're coming home now!" she screamed. "No, I'm not," I laughed. She said, "I'm talking to the kids."
[ancient greece] Teacher: "What have you all chosen for your thesis?" Hippocrates: "I'm laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine." Socrates: "I am examining what it means to be." Ptolemy: "Uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear?"
Spider: Why are you terrified by me? Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
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