Knock, knock. Who's there? Kanga. Kanga who? Actually, it's kangaroo!
Knock knock. Who's there? Kenya. Kenya who? Keeeenya feeel the loooove tonight?
Knock knock. Who's there? Urine. Urine who? Urine trouble if you don't open the door.
An internal auditor for a manufacturing group was concerned about anomalies in stock levels. He thought someone might be pinching stock but he couldn't prove it. He had his eye on one shifty-looking individual who every day drove his old truck out of the factory with the load covered by a tarpaulin. Time after time the auditor stopped the bloke, made him remove the tarpaulin and then inspected the load. On every occasion, there was only scrap metal in the truck which the driver said he was taking to the tip. On three occasions the auditor made the bloke remove the tarpaulin and then unload the scrap in front of him, suspecting that there might be stolen stock hidden underneath. Nothing. He could never find anything amiss. After a few months of this, the auditor was offered a better job elsewhere and resigned. A few weeks later he was drinking in a pub when the shifty character walked in. On an impulse, the auditor went up to him and said, "Look, I've left the company, I'm not interested in taking it any further and I won't stop you, but I just have to know. What were you taking?" And the bloke said "Tarpaulins."
A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me." "How do you mean?" says the accountant. "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters." "OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?" "You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner. "Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?" "That," says the man, "is your first worry."
Q: How many Accountants does it take to change a light bulb? A: What sort of answer did you have in mind? A: None - just assume it's changed.
Yo mama's so stupid when she cries for help she says "come here please".
Chuck Norris doesn't try to find clowns they try to find him.
Remember the Leia scene from The Last Jedi? That wasn't the force, it was Chuck Norris resurrecting Carrie Fischer.
Sometimes when Chuck Norris stares at the stars too long they get scared. These are known as black holes.