The best prison jokes

The main rule to obey, if you are in jail: never take a bow for a fallen soap from the wash basin. Try and you'll cry.
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has 64.05 % from 42 votes. More jokes about: dirty, prison, sex
Judge: "You are sentenced to 2 years of solitary confinement" Me: "Thank you."
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has 63.82 % from 35 votes. More jokes about: communication, prison, time
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
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has 63.22 % from 31 votes. More jokes about: cop, prison, wife, work
A runaway man from prison that was sentenced for life, has stayed in for 25 years. While trying to find a place to hide, he enters a newlywed’s house, ties the man in a chair in a corner of the room and ties the woman in the bed. He climbs on the bed, on top of the woman and appears to be kissing her neck. Then he gets up and leaves the room. Immediately the husband drags his chair up to the bed and whispers to his wife: "My love, this man hasn’t seen a woman for many years. I saw him kissing your neck and rushing out. Just play nice with him and do as he asks you to. If he wants to have sex with you just agree and pretend that you like it. Whatever you do, don’t go against his will and upset him. Both our lives are at your hands right now, be strong and remember that I love you." As soon as the half naked woman recovers from the shock of what she just heard, she says: "Honey, I feel very relieved that you see it this way. You are right, this man has not seen a woman for years but he wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering to me. He said that he finds you very cute and asked me if we have Vaseline in the bathroom! Be strong and remember that I love you too!"
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has 62.79 % from 50 votes. More jokes about: life, marriage, prison, time
In some countries, criminals have the option of either going to jail or spending a day living with Chuck Norris. No one has ever chosen Chuck Norris
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has 61.94 % from 61 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, prison
Q: Why is marriage not a word? A: It's a lifelong incarceration!
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has 61.25 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: life, marriage, prison, time
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
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has 60.85 % from 32 votes. More jokes about: lawyer, prison
Q: Why was the guitar teacher arrested? A: For fingering a minor.
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has 60.67 % from 50 votes. More jokes about: music, prison, teacher, vulgar
Q: What's the scariest thing about a white man in prison? A: You know that he actually did it.
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has 59.94 % from 111 votes. More jokes about: prison, white people
You might be a redneck if a police officer pulls you over to ask for your driver's license and your address is the county jail.
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has 59.75 % from 37 votes. More jokes about: cop, driving, prison, redneck