I had a visitor one night… he explored my body… licked, sucked, swallowed & had his fill… when satisfied he left… I was hurt… Damn mosquito!!!
Q: "What is the difference between like and love?" A: "Spit and swallow."
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
One morning, while she was making breakfast, the local fitness freak walked up to his wife, pinched her on the bum and said, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." This was a bit over the limit, but she controlled herself and replied with silence. Next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast. "You know love if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bras." That was too far over the limit. She rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. Maintaining a vice grip, she whispered in his ear, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the pool man, the gardener and your brother."
What do a gynecologist, and a pizza delivery guy have in common? They both can smell it, but they can't eat it!
Some newly-weds arrive to the hotel and the girl very afraid tells her husband: "Honey, I don't know nothing of this, can you help me, please?" I will Honey, starting from this instant, we will call your thing the prison and my thing will we call the prisoner, so... we will put the prisoner in the prison" And they throw the first one. and the guy is laying face up on the bed, but the girl was delighted and tells her husband: "Love, the prisoner is outside the prison!!!" The guy not very delighted tells her: "Lets put him into the prison another time!!" And the second ...but the girl is very sweet-toothed and she tells him: "!! Honey !!!... .The prisoner is out again!!!" The man rises, with the legs like a recently born foal. And they throw the third!!! He is laying on the bed, exhausted and the girl says: "!!! Honey, the prisoner escaped again!!!" And he answers with his last breath: "HEY !, It's not life imprisonment!!
Mary and Jane are talking. Mary declares that she’s finally got pregnant after years of trying. ‘How did you manage it?’ asks Jane. ‘I went to that hypnotherapist on the High Street,’ replies Mary. ‘I got pregnant within two months.’ ‘Oh, my husband and I tried seeing him years ago,’ says Jane. ‘It didn’t work for us.’ ‘Of course it wouldn’t,’ replies Mary. ‘You have to go alone.’
3 Stages of Sex: 1. House Sex - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house, in every room. 2. Bedroom Sex - After you've been married for a while and you just have sex in the bedroom. 3. Hall Sex - After you've been married for many years, and you just pass each other in the hall and say, "F**k you!"
What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities.
Q: What do you call Bin Laden when he lost his virginity? A: Osama Bin Laiden.