Why do so many women fake orgasm? Because so many men fake foreplay.
A father notices his young son staring at something on the ground. The father approaches his son and asks what he's looking at. The boy says that he sees two daddy long legs on top of each other, and asks what they're doing. They father replies that the two spiders are having sex. It's a completely natural thing that a mommy and daddy do when they love each other. The son then asks if one is a daddy long leg and the other is a mommy long leg. The father says that they're both daddy long legs. The son stomps on them, killing them. The father asks why he did that. The boy replies "I don't want any of that faggot-ass shit in my yard."
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
How does a girl from Harlem practice safe sex? She locks the car doors.
Do you like maths? If so add a bed subtract your clothes divide your legs and we can multiply!
Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes? A. Goes-in-tight!
Q. What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick? A. Fucks Funny!
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor!"
Worst way to ask for anal: "Aww come on...I bet my dick is tiny compared to some of the shits you've taken!"
A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon. That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.