What's the difference between David Beckham and an airplane model kit? One's a glueless kit and the other's a clueless git!
Coach: Your roommate and the captain of the team reported that you have many bad words for me in your sleep! So do you abuse me in your sleep! Football Player: Coach, It is just not true! Coach: What is not true, I trust the captain and I am asking this in front of him! Football player: Coach, It is untrue that I was sleeping!
Two guys are out hunting deer... The first guy says, "Did you see that?...pointing to the sky." "No," the second guy says. "Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead!" the first guy says. "Oh," says the second guy. A couple of minutes later, pointing to a far ridge, the first guy says, "Did you see that?" "See what?" the second guy asks. "Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there!" "Yah, Ok", says the second guy again with a bit of irritation in his voice. A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?" This time pointing behind them. By now, the second guy is getting very aggravated and says, "Yah, I SAW IT!" And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"
Q: How do you know when it's bedtime at Michael Jackson's house? A: The big hand touches the little one.
Yo mama so stupid I told her I was going to the Super Bowl and she told me not to forget a spoon.
Yo' Mama is so fat, people use her butt cheeks for a ski slope.
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" "Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
Randy Johnson can throw a fastball 101mph. Chuck Norris can throw Randy Johnson 101mph.
Do you know why the Cincinnati Bengals were the last NFL team to get a website? Because they couldnt put three W's in a row.
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One bloke says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 95 years old, and she's just 24! What kind of a wedding is that?" The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family." "What do you call it?" "We call it a football wedding." The first asks, "What's a football wedding?" The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"