Whats six inches long, has a head on it and drives women wild ? A fifty pound note !
There is woman at a mental hospital that are told to go out into the world and find out something new about it. After about 3 hours she go back to the hospital and tell the the manager what she has learned. The woman goes up to the manager and puts a large spider on the table and shouts, "BOO" and the spider scurries under the table. She then picks up the spider, pulls all of it's legs off and shouts, "BOO" but the spider can't move. The manager then looks strangely at the woman and asks her what she has learned about the world. The woman replies, "When I pull all the legs off a spider it can't hear me!"
Why are marriend women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.
Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, "Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?" Then the lady answered, "Excuse me, I think this is a goose." And the bartender says, "Excuse me, I was talking to the goose."
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with, "A man once told me..."
Question: How do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is? Answer: A widow.
A Lady calls the airline office in New York and asks, "How long does it take to fly to Hawaii?" The clerk says to her, "Just a second." The woman says "Thank you", and hangs up.
Why did the blonde have a sore belly button? Because there are blonde men too!
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing you haven't told her twice!