Q: How do you eat a frog? A: You put one leg behind each ear.
There was a tragic end to the water polo championships – all the horses drowned.
Golfer: "My wife says if I don't stop playing golf she's going to leave me!" Caddy: "I'm sure you will miss her terribly, sir!"
Two drunk Americans were speeding down a deserted road in the Philippines Drunk1: Are there any penguins in the tropics? Drunk2: I don't think so. Drunk1: Then I think we just squished a nun!
A man walks into a bar and orders a triple brandy with a double whisky chaser. ‘You know I shouldn’t really be drinking like this with what I’ve got,’ says the man to the barman. ‘Why? What have you got?’ asks the barman. ‘Fifty pence,’ replies the man.
What’s the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic? Drunks don’t have to go to the meetings.
Chuck Norris only needs one bullet, because it should know to get back in the chamber.
A boxer goes to a doctor complaining of insomnia. ‘Have you tried counting sheep?’ asks the doctor. ‘It doesn’t work,’ replies the boxer. ‘Every time I get to nine, I stand up.’
How do you confuse a frog? Put it in a round bowl and tell it to take a nap in the corner.
Yo momma’s so ugly, her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dog to play with her.