What’s the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito? A mosquito drops off you when you die!
A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8. "But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer. "OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did." The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did." The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs. The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -- " The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
What’s the difference between an aerobics instructor and a torturer? The torturer would apologize first.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
A policeman has just stopped a drunk driver and given him a breathalyser test. ‘I’m sorry, sir,’ says the policeman. ‘But this bag tells me you’ve been drinking too much.’ ‘What a coincidence!’ exclaims the driver. ‘I’ve got a bag at home that does the exactly the same thing!'
Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
How do you know if your man is dead? The sex is the same, but there's less ironing.
How is a man like a microwave oven? Just another thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds.
What is gross stupidity? 144 men in one room.
If you say Chuck Norris' name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.