Yo mama is so ugly she made the ugliest person in the world cry.
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and a dead lawyer lying in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Chuck Norris killed Heath Ledger... nobody ruins the image of cowboys and lives.
What is the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield? It's ass.
After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: "Honey, we've finally got enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979." "You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly. "No," said the husband, "a 1979 Cadillac."
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
Abraham Lincoln can finish a play better than the 2013 Broncos.
An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, “Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!”
What do you call an easy-going rabbit? Hoppy-go-lucky.
The cannibal priest told his flock to close their eyes and say grace. "For whosoever we are about to eat, may the Lord make us truly thankful."