Yo momma’s so ugly, when she takes her bra off she looks like she has four big toes.
I’m proud to say I made my money the old-fashioned way. My dad left it to me in his will.
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, it turned itself in.
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 100? Because when she gets to 69 she has a frog in her throat.
How do you make a blonde’s eyes sparkle? Shine a torch into her ear.
How do you guess a blond played at you’re computer? The joystick is on the chair.
Which day of the week do chickens hate most? Fry-day!
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books. The words assemble themselves out of fear.
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange"!