Yo momma’s so ugly, when she was lying on the beach, the cat tried to bury her.
Rocky Balboa was a lucky man because Chuck Norris didn't pursue a boxing carreer.
There was once a man who was in a bar, terribly drunk. The bartender noticed this, and when he asked for another beer, the bartender politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink. The man leaves. He walks in the side door and asks the bartender for a beer. A little frustrated, the bartender repeats the answer he said before. The man leaves. He then comes in the other side door, walks to the bartender and asks for a beer. The bartender is annoyed, and tells the man he is too drunk and to get a ride home and leave his bar. He leaves. He then comes in the BACK door, comes the the bartender, and before he can say a word, the bartender explodes at him. "I told you already, you are way to drunk, you can not have another beer! Get out of my bar!" Disgruntled, the man looks at the bartender and asks, "Man, how many bars do you work at?"
Sometimes I wish I was a bird: I would fly over certain people and shit on their heads.
Before Chuck Norris can register as a soldier, all wars suddenly end.
Q: Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? A: Because Oct 31 == Dec 25!
A husband and wife are eating soup. The wife spills soup all over her and says: "Oh no, I look like a pig" "Yes and you also have soup all over you!"
There was a man who just got out of the army. He was really horny and only had $5, so he went to a whore house. He told the women, "Gimme anything you got." So then he is having sex with this women and says "Gosh, you're really rough inside." She says "Hold on" and she goes to the bathroom. 10 minutes later she comes back and they start to do it again. He says "Now you're really smooth. What happened?" She says, "I picked off all the scabs."
"What is a man's idea of a balanced diet?" "A Budweiser in each hand!"
A helium molecule walks in afterwards. The bellhop asks if he needs any help. Helium doesn't react.