The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you.
Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."
The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.
"Excuse me for disturbing you, ma'am," he said politely, "but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I've noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread."
"That's right."
"Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake."
"Well, today is his birthday."
After nine years of marriage, a butcher's wife is tired of her husband's morning flatulence.
She warns him that he'll fart his guts out.
One night, the wife decides to put pig scraps in his pants, so he will think that he actually farted his guts out and stop the flatulence.
The next morning, the husband goes to the bathroom.
Two long hours later, he comes out and says, "You were right about me farting my guts out. But with the grace of the dear Lord and these two fingers. I got them back in there!"
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Chuck Norris can text using a rotary phone.
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Chuck Norris doesn't need to breathe, the oxygen comes to him.
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What's the difference betwee Elton John and Princess Diana ?
One's composing, the other is decomposing.
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Q: What is the best Iraqi job ?
A: Foreign Ambassador.
Did you hear about the transvestite who wanted a night on the town?
He wanted to eat, drink and be Mary.
Why did the woman cross the road?
That's not the point,what's she doing out of the kitchen?
Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar.
The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
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