Good advice for cocktail parties: If you can’t say something nice about someone, just hold your drink and listen to others who can’t either.
What does a blonde use for protection during sex?
A bus shelter.
They say about money that you can’t take it with you.
I can’t even afford to go.
Yo Mama so old...
She used to gang bang with the Flintstones.
Three guys are riding in their truck while drinking beer, having a good ol' time.
The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car so he pulls over.
The other two are real nervous, "What do we do with our beers?
We're in trouble!"
"No," the driver says, "just do this: pull the label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking."
So they all pull the labels off their beer bottles and stick 'em to their foreheads.
The policeman walks up and says, "You boys were swerving down the road.
Have you been drinking?"
The driver says, "Oh, no officer," and points to his forehead, "we're on the patch, trying to quit."
There is a guy.
His favorite bar is called 'Sally's Legs'.
The bar is closed, so he waits outside for it to open.
He was waiting a long time and a cop got suspicious, came over to him, and asked, "What are you doing?"
The guy replies, "I'm waiting for 'Sally's Legs' to open so I can get a drink."
Your mama is such a wh*re, that all the men use her just like a roundabout, everyone take's a turn
Q: Why can't scientists find a cure for AIDS?
A: They can't get the laboratory mice to arse f*ck.
Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in.
Which one do you let in?
The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.