A kid asks his father: Kid: Daddy why do i have to go to bed? Dad: Because the bed wont come to you.
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him. The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face." The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"
There is the chief of Indians, and he is going down a field with his tribe, and they come across a pile of sh*t.So the chief asks his tribe men : "Does this look like sh*t to you?" "Yes is does", they replied. "Smell it. Does it smell like sh*t to you", asks the Chief. "Mmmmm..Yes" "Feel it. Does it feel like sh*t to you?", says the Chief. "Mmmmm..Yes" "Lick it. Does it taste like sh*t to you?", inquires the Chief. "Ammmm...Yes" "Good. Don't step on it!"
Q: Why does a dog stay in a shadow. A: Because it doesn't want to be a Hotdog.
Yo' Mama is so skanky, her idea of safe sex is to lock the car doors.
If you want to know God’s opinion of money just look at the people He gave it to.
It's 4:04. Do you know where your auditor is?
What is the noisiest game? Squash – because you can’t play it without raising a racquet!
Q: What happened to the Native American who drank too much tea? A: He drowned in his own tea pe