After nine years of marriage, a butcher's wife is tired of her husband's morning flatulence.
She warns him that he'll fart his guts out.
One night, the wife decides to put pig scraps in his pants, so he will think that he actually farted his guts out and stop the flatulence.
The next morning, the husband goes to the bathroom.
Two long hours later, he comes out and says, "You were right about me farting my guts out. But with the grace of the dear Lord and these two fingers. I got them back in there!"
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Q: How many cops does it take to arrest a Mexican?
A: Eight. One to carry him, the rest to carry his oranges.
Chuck Norris can text using a rotary phone.
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What's the difference betwee Elton John and Princess Diana ?
One's composing, the other is decomposing.
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Two random variables were talking in a bar.
They thought they were being discrete but I heard their chatter continuously.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to breathe, the oxygen comes to him.
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Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar.
The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
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Well, you know what they say: unlucky in love, get the clap.
Why are women like parking spaces?
Because all the best ones are taken... and the rest are handicapped.
Did you hear about the transvestite who wanted a night on the town?
He wanted to eat, drink and be Mary.