A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you. You've broken your finger!" 
Some scientists decided to do the following experiments on a dog.
For the first experiment, they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to walk.
The dog got up and walked, so they they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs.
For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to walk.
The dog was still able to walk with only two legs.
For the third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from the dog and once more they told the dog to walk.
However, the dog wasn't able to walk with only one leg.
As a result of these three experiments, the scientists wrote in their final report that the dog had lost it's hearing after having three legs cut off.
Why are contipated folks unkind and rude?
Cause they don't give a crap!
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Chuck Norris once won an underwater breathing contest with a fish.
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What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A salad shooter.
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"Where are you going to take Vampira on your date?" asked one vampire.
"Oh, I thought we'd go to the movies, and then get a quick bite."
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Yo' Mama is so fat, after sex, she smokes a turkey.
Chuck Norris once taught a French Bulldog to be English.
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Chuck Norris can stick his hand inside a rabbit's mouth and pull out a HAT!
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Chuck Norris discovered America.
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