Best jokes ever

A son is discussing funeral arrangements with his dying mother. ‘Would you like to be buried or cremated?’ asks the son. The mother replies, ‘I don’t know. Surprise me.’
Vote: has 40.46 % from 48 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dirty
How can you tell if your girlfriend’s frigid? When you open her legs, the lights go on.
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More jokes about: sex
I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist.
Vote: has 40.39 % from 31 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: life
Donald Trump is a vain, arrogant, hateful pig. That's why Americans voted him in - he's just like them.
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More jokes about: ethnic, insulting, political, republican
A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."
Vote: has 40.31 % from 46 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: car, dad, driving, kids
Three guys talk in a bar. Two discuss how they are king in their castles and how much their wives respect them. The third guy remains quiet. Finally, one guy turns to the quiet guy and asks, "What about you? Do you rule your roost?" The quiet guy says, "Well, just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees." "What happened then?" they ask. "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"
Vote: has 40.24 % from 29 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
Q. Did you hear about the blonde lesbian? A. She kept having affairs with men!
Vote: has 40.24 % from 29 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: blonde, lesbian
A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid," answered the woman. "We don’t have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm…she’s upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband." The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she’s with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming pool!" "What pool?”" "Uh.. is this 832-4173?"
Vote: has 40.24 % from 29 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: money, phone, women, work
How do you know when your cat’s finished cleaning himself? He’s smoking a cigarette.
Vote: has 40.24 % from 29 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: sex
What’s the definition of a Yankee? Same thing as a ‘quickie’ but you do it yourself.
Vote: has 40.15 % from 44 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: sex