Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass.
At night.
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An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, “The parrot I purchased uses improper language.”
“I’m surprised,” said the owner.
“I’ve never taught that bird to swear.”
“Oh, it isn’t that,” explained the professor.
“But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive.”
What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."
Q: Why can't a blonde count to 70?
A: Because 69's a mouthful.
My wife is temperamental.
Fifty per cent temper and 50 per cent mental.
Yo mama so stupid that when I was drowning I yelled out to her that I needed a life saver and she said "Cherry or grape?"
A Blonde was at a gumball machine.
She put a quarter in and kept getting a gumball out.
The man behind her asked if he could get a gumball.
She said, "Shut up! I'm WINNING!"
Chuck Norris doesn't do his taxes.....he just sends a blank tax form with his picture on it.
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What's red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding?
A baby in a microwave.
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How did they know that the driver had dandruff?
They found his head and shoulders in the glove box.
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