Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass.
At night.
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An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, “The parrot I purchased uses improper language.”
“I’m surprised,” said the owner.
“I’ve never taught that bird to swear.”
“Oh, it isn’t that,” explained the professor.
“But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive.”
My wife is temperamental.
Fifty per cent temper and 50 per cent mental.
How did they know that the driver had dandruff?
They found his head and shoulders in the glove box.
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What did the PENCIL say to the SHARPENER? STOP GOING IN CIRCLES AND GET TO THE POINT
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The boss snubs his employee because he took a flashlight with him to a date: "What kind of crap happens nowadays? When I was in your age, I wasn’t carrying any flashlight with me on a date. I was always meeting my girlfriends in the dark."
"And what did that got you... Take a look at what you’ve married in to!"
Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?
Q: How many nurses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They just have a nursing student do it.
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Chuck Norris once killed a man in New York while practicing Bruce Lee's one inch punch...
Chuck Norris was in San Franscisco at the time.
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Yo' Mama is so redneck, the door mat to her trailer home doubles as a mad flap for her pick up truck.