What’s the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito? A mosquito drops off you when you die!
A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8. "But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer. "OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did." The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did." The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs. The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -- " The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
What’s the difference between an aerobics instructor and a torturer? The torturer would apologize first.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Bob checked into his hotel room and immediately noticed a dead cockroach on the floor. He called the front desk, asked for the manager and raised a fuss. "Sir, please calm down," the manager replied. "It's dead. It can't bother you now." "The dead one doesn't bother me." Bob said. "It's his pallbearers."
A policeman has just stopped a drunk driver and given him a breathalyser test. ‘I’m sorry, sir,’ says the policeman. ‘But this bag tells me you’ve been drinking too much.’ ‘What a coincidence!’ exclaims the driver. ‘I’ve got a bag at home that does the exactly the same thing!'
There were three strings that walked into the bar. They sat down and they didn't get waited on so the first string walked up to the bar and asked for three beers. The bartender said, "I'm sorry buddy we don't serve strings in here." The string walks back to the table and tells his friends what the bartender said. "I've been here before and gotten a drink, I'll go get us something to drink," said the second string. The second sting walks up to the bar and politely asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender says, "I thought I told your buddy we don't serve strings in here." So the second string walks back and and tells his friends what has happened. The third string says "Oh, I come in here all the time, I know how to order something to drink." The third sting walks to the restroom where he ties himself up and muffs up his end. He then walks out to the bar and asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender kind of looks at him weird and says, "You a string?" "Frayed knot," he replies.
Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
How do you know if your man is dead? The sex is the same, but there's less ironing.
How is a man like a microwave oven? Just another thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds.