What US state has the most cows? Moosouri.
What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? ‘Oh look! Doughnut seeds!’
What does an annoying pepper do? It get's jalapeño face
They said the baby looked like me. Until they turned him the right way up.
Peter goes golfing every Saturday. One Saturday, he comes home tired and five hours late. His wife asks him, "What took you so long?" Peter says, "That was the worst game of golf I've ever had. We got up to the first tee, and Harry hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack." Peter's wife says, "OMG! That's terrible!" Peter says, "I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry. . ."
Q: If marriage is terrific what is divorce? A: Ten thousand!
Bob: "Hey, Sue, why is there a tampon hanging out of your mouth?" Sue: "Oh my God. What did I do with my cigarette?"
Q: Why are hangovers better than women? A: Hangovers will go away.
Q: Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? A: Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.