Yo' Mama is so stupid, you need to put your head up her ass to get her perspective.
Unicorns are extinct but Chuck Norris used all their horns as toothpicks.
Chuck Norris doesn't get drunk. He simply lowers his IQ to yours.
Chuck Norris can breath out with his nose and breath in with his mouth at the same time.
Chuck Norris had a knife thrown at him... the knife didn't impale him, he impaled the knife.
This blonde cop stops a blonde driver and asks for identification. The blonde driver looks all around in her purse and can’t find her license. “I must have left it at home, officer.” “Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?” asks the cop. The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, “I do have this picture of me.” “Let me see it,” says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in it. Then she says, “Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have stopped you."
Chuck Norris was banned from going to "housewarming" parties because he kept burning them down.
Two hunters are stalking through the forest when one says to the other that he has to take a dump. "Well, go in the bushes." "What should I use to wipe my ass?" "Use a dollar bill." A few minutes later the hunter steps out of the bushes with s**t all over his hands. "What happened?" asks his friend. "I didn't have a dollar bill, so I used four quarters."
There is woman at a mental hospital that are told to go out into the world and find out something new about it. After about 3 hours she go back to the hospital and tell the the manager what she has learned. The woman goes up to the manager and puts a large spider on the table and shouts, "BOO" and the spider scurries under the table. She then picks up the spider, pulls all of it's legs off and shouts, "BOO" but the spider can't move. The manager then looks strangely at the woman and asks her what she has learned about the world. The woman replies, "When I pull all the legs off a spider it can't hear me!"
Q: What did the butcher say when he backed into the meat-grinder? A: Looks like I'm getting a little behind in my work!