Q: Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? A: Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said... 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window, "Pull over!" "No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"
A man walked into a lawyer's office. "How much does your advice cost?" he asked the lawyer. "Fifty dollars for three questions," replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "And what was your third question?"
What do cows like to listen to? Moo-sic.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
What do cows usually fly around in? Helicowpters and Bulloons.
Q: What's brown and taps on the window? A: A baby in a microwave!