Chuck Norris doesn't sleep with a teddy bear. He sleeps with a real bear.
Q: Who is the saddest grandma in the world? A: Grandma of a vegan.
Chuck Norris was banned from going to "housewarming" parties because he kept burning them down.
Two hunters are stalking through the forest when one says to the other that he has to take a dump. "Well, go in the bushes." "What should I use to wipe my ass?" "Use a dollar bill." A few minutes later the hunter steps out of the bushes with s**t all over his hands. "What happened?" asks his friend. "I didn't have a dollar bill, so I used four quarters."
There is woman at a mental hospital that are told to go out into the world and find out something new about it. After about 3 hours she go back to the hospital and tell the the manager what she has learned. The woman goes up to the manager and puts a large spider on the table and shouts, "BOO" and the spider scurries under the table. She then picks up the spider, pulls all of it's legs off and shouts, "BOO" but the spider can't move. The manager then looks strangely at the woman and asks her what she has learned about the world. The woman replies, "When I pull all the legs off a spider it can't hear me!"
Chuck Norris doesn't cry. His eyes sweat.
Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.
Unicorns are extinct but Chuck Norris used all their horns as toothpicks.
Q: What is height of Craziness? A: Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.
Chuck Norris cleans his teeth with a dentists drill.