How many auditors does it take to change a
light bulb?
How many did it take last year?
Vote:
How do you make a dead baby float?
Take your foot off of it’s head.
Vote:
Your momma so stanky...when she passes by the toilet it flushes!!!
Your momma so stupid, when I told her it was chilly outside she ran out with a spoon!
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain
cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
My wife and I have our little fights.
We had a fight last week.
Nothing much, only two police cars.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.
A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave.
The bartender tells him he owes $8.
"But I already paid you.
Don't you remember?" says the customer.
"OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not.
The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks.
The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.
The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had.
The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -- "
The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender.
Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."