Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" My stupid computer keeps saying, "You've got mail!"
"Where are you going to take Vampira on your date?" asked one vampire. "Oh, I thought we'd go to the movies, and then get a quick bite."
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. there were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned.
What happened to the blond ice hockey team? They drown at spring training.
What is a Zebra? A Z-bra is 25 sizes bigger than an A-bra.
I hate paying my income tax. You should be a good citizen - why don't you pay with a smile? I'd like to but they insist on money.
Q: In which room we cannot live? A: Mushroom.
A farmer was bragging. "I've got 350 sheep." "That's a lot of sheep," said another farmer. "And I've got 500 chickens," bragged the farmer. "That's a lot of chickens," answered the second farmer. "And 40 bulls," added the farmer. The other farmer replied, "Boy! That IS a lot of bull."
A retiree said to his 80 year old friend, “It it true you’re getting married?” “Sure is.” “Have I met her?” “I don't think so.” “Is she attractive?” “Won't win any beauty contests.” “Can she cook?” “Can't even boil an egg.” “Is she rich?” “Rich? Heck, she's so poor she can't even pay attention.” “She must be great in the sack then?” “I haven't actually found out.” “My God, man, why are you marrying her?” “She can still drive.”