Chuck Norris created the Grand Canyon because he coughed "Just Once".
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Q: What did Jeffrey Dahmer do after dumping his boyfriend?
A: He wiped.
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Yo momma is so fat she was walking down the street, tripped and broke her leg and gravy rolled out.
Yo' Mama is so fat, she got stuck in the great outdoors.
Yo' Mama is so fat, she couldn't identify a picture of her feet.
Q. What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A. She moved.
One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.
Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Everyone else left the bar and drove off.
Finally, the fellow started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him.
He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy"
A man goes to a bar with his dog.
He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!"
The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."
"Oh man, "the bartender says, "I'm sorry.
Here, the first one's on me."
The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua.
The first guy sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell the bartender it's a seeing-eye dog."
The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar.
He asks for a drink.
The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bartender says, "No, I don't think so.
They don't have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."
The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?!
They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
Your momma so stupid, when I told her it was chilly outside she ran out with a spoon!
Jesse starts wailing to the vet, "you gotta save my dog, he looks real bad - please you just gotta!"
"There, there Jesse, your dog just has a broken hip he'll be fine in no time.
My fee, of course, will be $1,500."
Jesse starts to wail - "oh, my dog's going to die!!!"