If God had meant us to pay taxes, he’d have made us smart enough to fill in the return form.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
Did you here about the man that died from eating Rocky Mountain Oysters? The bull must have drug him a mile!
Yo mama is so fat Jesus can't hold her holy spirit.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
What did the tampon say to the other tampon in school? I'll see you next period.
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?” St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!”
‘How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars…’ Steve Martin
Why was the IT support worker bad-tempered? Because he had a chip on his shoulder.