A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid," answered the woman. "We don’t have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm…she’s upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband." The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she’s with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming pool!" "What pool?”" "Uh.. is this 832-4173?"
God created Adam, Adam saw Chuck Norris, Adam created tears.
Chuck Norris can one hit kill a creeper in Minecraft... With a stick.
Chuck Norris doesn't need photos, he takes mental pictures.
Chuck Norris once threw out the first pitch at a NASCAR race.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
Q: What did the adding machine say to the cashier? A: You can count on me.
How many blondes does it take to play tag? One.
Q: How do you know your black neighbor has moved? A: The new neighbor has car insurance.