A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.
On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together.
He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married.
Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you.
Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"
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What is the other name for the ‘Intel Inside?'
"The warning label." {Intel inside.......fool is outside}.
Yo momma mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound.
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
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Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet.
The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.
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Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet.
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Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'.
He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked.
'It's not unusual' he replied.
A guy dies and is sent to Hell.
Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in.
In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks.
The guy says "no, let me see the next room."
In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses.
Guy says no again.
Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room.
People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries.
The guy says, "I pick this room."
Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over.
Everyone back on your heads!"
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Chuck Norris doesn't use GUI, he prefers the command line.