What do you call a stoner that just broke up with his girlfriend? Homeless.
Yo mammas so fat they had to make a new number.
Chuck Norris can play a PS3 with a Super Nintendo controller, and it works!
Ozzy Ozbourne once bit the head off a bat. Not one to be outdone, Chuck Norris bit the head off Batman!
Chuck Norris can play Pokemon Go on his landline.
A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid," answered the woman. "We don’t have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm…she’s upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband." The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she’s with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming pool!" "What pool?”" "Uh.. is this 832-4173?"
God created Adam, Adam saw Chuck Norris, Adam created tears.
Chuck Norris can one hit kill a creeper in Minecraft... With a stick.
I got home to see my two months pregnant wife crouched in the bathroom crying. Her red, smudged eyes looked at me as she told me she'd lost the baby. I told the silly thing not to be so upset, I could clearly see it in the toilet.
I have two accounts on Facebook it means I have two faces. It's really good because one is cuter to attract people.