A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better.
Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!”
The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying.
A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face.
She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”
An Irishman, an Italian, and a Pollack were having a drink together at the local tavern.
The Irishman says, "...You know, where I'm from, there's a bar called "O'Mally's", where you buy a drink, then you buy another drink, and then O'Mally himself buys you a drink."
The Italian then says, "Well....where I'm from, there's a place called "Vinnie's", where you buy a drink, then Vinnie buy you a drink, then you buy another drink, and then Vinnie buys you another drink.."
The Pollack then says "Well...where I come from, there's a bar where they buy you a drink, then they buy you another drink, and then they buy you another drink, and then they take you in back, and then you get laid !".
The Irishman and the Italian both respond with, "Gee...that sounds like a great place ! Have you ever been there ?"
"No..." said the Pollack, "...but my sister has ..."
Chuck Norris once replied to a 'no-reply' mail, and got the answer he wanted.
Vote:
What did the Boston Marathon bombers do that Hitler couldn't?
Ended a race.
Vote:
There was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.
"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant.
"Here, take this broom.
Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."
"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.
The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end.
"Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."
The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom.
Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him.
The recruit points the broom, "Bangety Bang Bang!"
The German falls dead.
More Germans appear.
The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!"
He mows down the enemy by the dozens.
Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.
"Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit.
The German keeps coming.
"Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate.
"Bangety Bang Bang!
Stabity Stab Stab!"
It's no use.
The German keeps coming.
He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, "Tankety Tank Tank."
Yo momma so stupid that she brought a ruler to bed to see how long she could sleep.
Three guys (Asian, American, and a Mexican) are on a hot air balloon trying to get back home.
Something punctured the hot air balloon so now its going down really fast.
The three guys decided to throw stuff that they don't need away so the balloon won't fall down too fast.
The Asian threw away rice and said, "I have a lot of this in my country."
The Mexican threw away beans and said, "I have a lot of this in my country."
The American threw over the Mexican.
The Asian was like, "Why did you do that for?"
The American said, "We have a lot of these in my country."
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.
Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.
She took my hand and took me to our bedroom.
The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over.
She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes!
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did.
And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."
So here I am.
Yo' Mama is so ugly, her imaginary friend played with other kids.
"Today, I saw a homeless men living in a tyre. So I did good deed and punctured it."
"How is that a good deed?"
"He is now living in a flat."