A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"
How come the village Guy Fawkes won the Nobel Peace Prize? Cause he was outstanding in his field.
Chuck Norris doesn't use his hand to catch bullets, he uses his mind.
Chuck Norris once took a CPR class, this way he can kill you, revive you, and kill you again.
When you give birth to a great idea at work, your boss should give you 2 weeks of maternity leave.
Chuck Norris can set water on fire. He can also set fire on water.
Chuck Norris can give you a wet willie with a dry finger.
I really do have a soft spot for my MIL. It's out in the garden behind the garage.
Always remember: There is not problem that 6 glasses of wine can't solve.
Everyone could tell our son was a Tigers fan. When he was handed his diploma, he dropped it.