Q: What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile ? A: Aeroflot has killed more people.
What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus with a yeast infection? An itchy, twitchy twat!
What did the volcano say to the other volcano? Stop erupting me.
Things have reached crisis point in Beryl’s marriage. ‘If things are so bad,’ her friend advises her. ‘Then you should leave your husband.’ ‘I would,’ says Beryl. ‘If only I could think of a way of doing it that wouldn’t make him happy.’
Chuck Norris wins every political campaign, but politely declines the jobs.
A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousn ess or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
Chuck Norris is so tough, that he doesn't get a workout from the weights,they get a workout from him.
Teacher: Can you tell me where Napoleon came from? Pupil: Course I can. Teacher: Very good.
A friend of mine often tells to his wife: "It is better to be loved and almost the only one rather than to be the only one and almost loved…"
Chuck Norris can listen to 24 hours worth of music and not move a single muscle.