Why is Cinderella such a bad football player? Because she has a pumpkin for a coach and she ran away from the ball.
After any salary rise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road without looking both ways? "Dead."
A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" "No." A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg. "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly. "That's not my dog."
Two crocks rest on the basin of a zoo talking: Yesterday, the caretaker cursed me, said the older one. What did you do? Asks the other. - I’ve swallowed him...
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
I gave up alcohol last year. It was the longest 20 minutes of my life.
They say whisky and petrol don’t mix. They do, but it doesn’t taste nice.
A man goes into a pub and says, ‘I’d like something tall, icy and full of gin.’ The barman turns and shouts into the kitchen, ‘Oi, Doris! Someone to see you!’
I never drink unless I’m alone or with somebody.