I had to divorce my husband for religious reasons, I'm a catholic and living with him is hell.
Yo momma’s so fat, when she walked in front of the television I missed three commercials.
Jesse starts wailing to the vet, "you gotta save my dog, he looks real bad - please you just gotta!" "There, there Jesse, your dog just has a broken hip he'll be fine in no time. My fee, of course, will be $1,500." Jesse starts to wail - "oh, my dog's going to die!!!"
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Take your foot off his head.
Why are men like laxatives? They can irritate the s**t out of you.
A man arrives at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter asks him if he's done any good. The man says no. So St. Peter asks the man to give an account of his bravery. The man says, "I was refereeing a match in London between England and Germany. The score was 0-0 and there was only one more minute of play when I awarded a penalty against England." "Yes," responds St. Peter, "That was a real act of bravery. Can you tell me when this took place?" "Certainly," the man replies. "About three minutes ago."
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we don’t know where the heck she is.
Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
What’s it called when a blonde blows in another blonde’s ear? Data transfer.
Yo momma’s so stupid, she cooks with Old Spice.