A man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was getting very frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood.
His wife answered, "Not tonight dear I have a headache."
The man replied, "Is that your final answer"?
She said, "Yes."
...He said. "Ok, then, I'd like to phone a friend."
A man goes to his doctor after losing a lot of weight.
"I feel great, but I have a problem, doctor.
I was so fat beforehand that my skin has stretched and stayed that long.
Is there anything you can give me?"
"Hmm, short of plastic surgery, there is only one alternative.
Please take off your clothes."
The man strips down.
The doctor pulls all his skin upwards and ties it in a ball above his head.
"But doctor -- now my navel is in the middle of my forehead!"
"True," replies the doctor, "and you should see what you have for a collar and tie."
Chuck Norris puts the fun in funeral.
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Somebody told me the best way to meet women is to do something you enjoy right away, you have something in common.
So, I've spent the past year smoking dope and watching television.
Chuck Norris doesn't have an ATM PIN – the machine just spits out cash – at every bank!
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Chuck Norris walked right into Area 51, bought a Snapple, and walked out.
No one dared to move.
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What are two things a black man can't get in a fist fight.
A black eye, and a swollen lip.
Chuck Norris can make a turtle go faster.
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Lately, I was by the urologist.
He examined me but he did not tell me the truth into my eyes.
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Q: Why can't lawyers do NMR?
A: Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.