‘We were kind of poor and my mother hated to spend a nickel on herself, so she bought most of her things in an army surplus store. She was the only woman in Cleveland wearing khaki lipstick.’ Bob Hope
Why did the frog walk across the road? He didn't... he jumped.
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!
What’s the difference between a dead lawyer in the road and a dead skunk in the road? There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.
How can you tell that elephants have been doing it in your garage? All your Hefty Bags are missing.
A jury consists of twelve people chosen to decide who has the best lawyer.
Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow they take away your credit card.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand.
Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox? A: About eight beers.