Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.
A blond whines at her mother: Mother, I’m impregnate! What? Where the hell was you’re head? What do you mean by that, on the pillow off course!
Baby, at midnight we celebrate one year from the last time you kissed me. Look how time files!
Q: What do you call a Puerto Rican midget? A: A spec.
Want a taste of my hanging sausage?
What's the definition of a poofter? A bloke who enlarges the circle of his friends!
It’s night and a drunk is crawling along the pavement looking for something. A passer-by offers to help and asks what’s missing. The drunk replies that he’s lost his watch. ‘And where abouts did you lose it?’ asks the passer-by. ‘About half a mile up the road,’ replies the drunk. ‘So why are you doing down here?’ asks the passer-by. The drunk replies, ‘Down here the lighting is better.’
Three guys were standing at the top of the Empire State Building in NYC. The first guy says to the second, "You know, the wind currents are so strong here in NYC that one could step off the edge of the building and literally float in mid-air due to the upward thrust of the thermal air current." "No way, man, you’re crazy," said the second guy to the first. So the first guy steps off the edge of the building and justs floats in mid-air for about 20 seconds and then returns to the roof of the building. The second guy is simply thrilled and says, "watch me do that" as he steps from the edge roof into the open air. Of course he falls like a stone straight down all the way to the waiting pavement below–SPLAT! The third guy, who has remained quiet the entire time, leans over to the first guy and say, "You know something Superman, sometimes you can be a real a*shole!"
What would you call a drunk who works at an upholstery shop? A recovering alcoholic.
What a barman! When I asked for something tall, cold and full of gin, he called his wife out.