I had a mate who was suicidal.
He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.
Vote:
Chuck Norris eats black holes for breakfast.
They taste like chicken.
Vote:
2PAC once thought he was tougher than Chuck Norris... he was later murdered.
Vote:
Chuck Norris once went to Stevie Wonders concerts and smiled at him; Stevie Wonder is now blind.
Vote:
A guy says, "Doc, you gotta help me. Every time I fart, it sounds like, "Honda."
The doctor says, "You say, 'Honda?'"
"No," the guy says. "My farts do."
So, the doctor says, "OK, open your mouth," and looks inside.
After about two minutes, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, I can't help you, you need to go see a dentist."
The guy says, "Why a dentist?"
The doctor says, "Because you have an absessed tooth."
The guy says, "What the hell does that have to do with my condition?"
The doctor says, "Well, didn't you know? Absess makes the farts go Honda!"
Vote:
Q: Why did God create women?
A: He took one look at men and said, "I know I can do better than this."
Chuck Norris likes his meat rare, so he eats unicorns.
Vote:
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
You know what?"
"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
”I think you're bad luck."
What do you do if a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull out the pin and throw it back.
What do you call a frog with no legs?
It doesn't matter- he won't come anyway.