What would you call a drunk who works at an upholstery shop? A recovering alcoholic.
What a barman! When I asked for something tall, cold and full of gin, he called his wife out.
A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful. "Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender. "Who gave those beauties to you?" "Nobody gave them to me," said Sam. "I had to fight like crazy for both of them."
The best way of saving money is to forget who you borrowed it from.
‘He’s spending a year dead for tax purposes.’ Douglas Adams
A man takes a beautiful blonde to his apartment. They're kissing in the elevator when she feels something in his pocket. "What is that?" she asks. "Those are my golf balls." "Is that like tennis elbow?"
Why is money green? Because people usually pick it before it's ripe!
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money. "I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
Why has Guinness got a white head on it? So when you’re drunk you know which end to start on.