The boss speaking with the secretary:
Who told you that, if I kissed you a couple of time, you have the right to laze all day long?
My lawyer.
What’s the difference between a shame and a pity?
If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff and there are no survivors – that’s a pity.
If there were any empty seats – that’s a shame.
What’s the best way to get in touch with your long-lost relatives?
Win the Lottery.
Why are baseball players in trouble with the law so often?
They always hit and run.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
‘If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you.
This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.’ Mark Twain
The officer reported to the watch commander about having no luck with the witness.
"Did you browbeat him, yell at him, and ask him every question you could come up with?" asked the watch commander.
"I certainly did."
"And?"
"And he said, 'Yes dear you're right,' and dozed off!"
What does a drunk walrus have in common with a woman at a tupperware party?
They're both out looking for a tight seal.
Q: What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
Uncle gives little Johnny a £5 note for his birthday.
‘Spend it carefully,’ says Uncle.
‘Remember – a fool and his money are soon parted.’
Little Johnny replies, ‘Well you certainly handed it over fast enough.’