Q: What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
A: They are both meat substitutes. 
Vote:
regular ass
(_!_)
fat ass
(__!__)
tight ass
(!)
flat ass
(_._)
bubble ass
(_^_)
sore ass
(_*_)
lop-sided ass
(_!__)
swishy ass
{_!_}
surprised ass
(_o_)
ass that's been around
(_O_)
kiss my ass
(_x_)
leave my ass alone
(_X_)
tired ass
(_zzz_)
wise ass
(_o^o_)
unlucky ass
(_13_)
money out the ass
(_$_)
dumb ass
(_?_)
Vote:
What do spongebob and an asian have in common?
They're both yellow and cant drive.
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work,
“I have great news for you.
Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, “I’m glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.”
Vote:
A redneck calls up the White House and tells the receptionist: "I'd like to become the next President of the United States."
The receptionist: "What are you, an idiot?"
Redneck: "Why, is it required?"
Vote:
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love.
All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window.
As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina.
The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit."
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.
The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it."
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina.
After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper."
So the doctor went deeper and deeper.
After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.
The young lady began to quiver with excitement.
She began to moan and groan aloud.
The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?"
The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"
Mom was very upset when she found a bondage S&M magazine in her son's room.
She showed it to her husband when he got home.
He handed it back to her without a word.
She asked him, "Well, what do we do about this?"
"Well, whatever you do, don't spank him."
Vote:
A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died.
The funeral company told the man that it would cost 45000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem.
The husband said "ship her home".
Shocked, the undertaker asked "but sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money ?"
The husband replied "a long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead ... I cant take the chance !"
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child.
If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back.
He would then arrange for child support.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Two with meatballs, one without."