Q: What is the difference between your cock, and your bonus?
A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!
A passenger piled his luggage on the scale at an airline counter in New York and said to the ticket agent:
"I'm flying to Los Angeles. I want the large bag sent to Denver and the two small ones to Cincinnati."
"I'm sorry sir, but we can't do that," said the ticket agent.
"That's good to hear because that's where they ended up the last time I flew this route."
Vote:
You're a redneck if:
-You have more fingers than you do teeth
-You cut your grass and find a car
-You consider Denny's a Fancy Resturant
-Your best Suit contains more than 5 colors
-Your age is higher than your I.Q.
-Your favorite pickup line is "Does this look infected to you?"
-You ask your wife whether the spot on your neck is a boil or a mole and she replies "It's a gummy bear."
-You have a family reunion and everyone in town shows up.
-You say "Watch this" every time before you goto the hospital.
-Your wife and ex-wife are sisters.
"Dad, whats the difference between a p*ssy and a c*nt ?" young son ask.
"Look at this," says dad, as he lifts the sheets on his naked sleeping mother, "that's a p*ssy son."
"Its wonderful dad, can I touch it?"
"NO son," says dad, "If you touch the p*ssy you'll wake the c*nt up!"
Three guys (Asian, American, and a Mexican) are on a hot air balloon trying to get back home.
Something punctured the hot air balloon so now its going down really fast.
The three guys decided to throw stuff that they don't need away so the balloon won't fall down too fast.
The Asian threw away rice and said, "I have a lot of this in my country."
The Mexican threw away beans and said, "I have a lot of this in my country."
The American threw over the Mexican.
The Asian was like, "Why did you do that for?"
The American said, "We have a lot of these in my country."
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work,
“I have great news for you.
Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, “I’m glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.”
Vote:
The teacher is droning away in the classroom when he notices a student sleeping way up in the back row.
The teacher shouts to the sleeping student's neighbor, "Hey wake that student up!"
The neighbor yells back, "You put him to sleep, you wake him up!"
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear.
In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful.
Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.
The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff.
His hopes were dim.
Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"
The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air.
Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.
Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive..."
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
Dustin and Jane (both blonde) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”