What does a frog say when it sees something' great? Toadly awesome!
An actuary priced an automobile ‘fire and theft’ policy with an extremely low premium. When asked why it was so cheap, he said, ‘Who’d steal a burnt car?’
Two drunks are walking down the street when they come across a dog, sitting on the kerb, licking its privates. They watch for a while before one of them says, ‘I sure wish I could do that!’ The other looks at him and says, ‘Wouldn’t you like to make friends with him first?’‘
Why do they bury lawyers in 20ft holes? Because deep down they’re all really nice guys.
What color socks do bears wear? (They don't wear socks, they have bear feet!)
Why did the chicken cross the road? So he can make you curious.
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig? (A teddy boar!)
Smile and the world audits your taxes.
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife... When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."